When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
