i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
