Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
