I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
