i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
