I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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