did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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