She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
