I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
me + whiskey = a bad person
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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