So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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