a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
