Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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