We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
