Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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