i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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