I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
where are my eyebrows?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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