i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
There r osticjed everywhere
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
