You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
