I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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