Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
