Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
