Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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