end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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