sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
