i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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