you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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