It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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