Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
