last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
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so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
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Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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