The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
