He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
