I wish I could teleport
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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