i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
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Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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