What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
