I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
