Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
