God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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