Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
