I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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