Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
