I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
A bitchslap is in order.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
