Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
