god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
