Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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