yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
