you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
