Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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