Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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