I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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