I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
