life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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