Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
