...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
