Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
