The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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