What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
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Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
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she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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