I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
